Monday, December 27, 2010

Phase out

Well well well. Its the end of 2010. The supposed long and hellish year I was to face.

So, I'm here at the end, looking upon my tracks and contemplating all that I have, and have not, done throughout the entire year.

Well for starters, this year was an interesting journey of self discovery. I managed to grow up, even if it's just a little. I managed to get used to and accept the fact that chasing after recognition was pretty much pointless and useless. Once it has left, then unless chances come, no more. A madman's chase is no longer something I must ever do. Learnt to always point a finger at yourself, even if it seems like you're completely clean, since you either learn what or what not to do from everything that happens. I've seen just how selfish, and very occasionally selfless, I can be. How crude, yet gentle, I can be as well. (yes yes I do have a gentle side. Just depends on who you are) Till now, I still have the "want to be cool" streak in me, even though I have figured multiple times that I could not be so, and that it was pointless too.

Laziness was one of my greatest challenges this year. High flying for too long can really make one unwilling to flap their wings. Combating the all too alluring sensation of not doing work has been quite a failure. And now I'm being driven mad because I don't have work to do. Oh the irony. Sometimes in life, you really just have to suck it up, bite the bullet down and go. Better learn that...

I've laughed, cried, smiled, sworn, cursed, sighed, shouted, feared, stoned, been bitter, been excited, been depressed, been pained. You name it, I probably had it. Well except death of course. It has been a complete mess of colour this year. Stress was number one on the list, second would be thinking too much. And honestly, next year aint looking too good. I have stepped into new phases of life that are both fun and dangerous. I also have been able to understand when adults say that "you're too young". The meaning behind this phrase is something not beyond imagination, but definitely incomprehensible unless you've been there. I've made plenty of mistakes, some small, some big enough to result in lasting consequences.

God has blessed me to have a smooth year, with only my oversensitive emotional systems getting roughed up. Not much illness, there were problems that taught me more about how weak I am, and definitely happy moments too. However, the lesson I have yet to learn, is how to be happy. Sounds like a lifetime homework though. I have seen the kinds of challenges that we as Christians have to face, and caught glimpses of just how fragile the human heart can be. Of course, there is no denying the power of motivation and confidence stemming from the truths. As I said, this year is a colourful, contrasting one.

2010, I won't forget you. For being a total annoyance, a thorn in my side, but yet also for being a good teacher, and definitely a happy part of my life.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I drag my feet in quick shuffles as I move through the bare streets. A cold gust of wind blows, chilling my body through my old clothing right down to my bones. My teeth clamp together in response to the bone-freezing chill, but I maintain my steely expression. Occasionally, one or two people would shuffle by, backs bent and eyes glued to the floor, wearing the same hard expression on their faces. No one dared make eye contact with each other, no one spoke. Greeting others was out of the question. Rude it may seem, but this was a form of protection we gave others and ourselves. Even the slightest nod of the head could cause you to be attacked by the secret police, who would drag you away into the depths of hell, never to be seen again.

I quickened my pace ever so slightly as I rounded the corner, praying hard that no soldiers were following me as I moved down the market. Or at least what was supposed to be a market. All that was present were empty carts and shops lined with bare shelves. Not a morsel of food was available for anyone, we were encountering yet another food shortage. Slipping my hand in my pants pocket, I fingered a slip of crumpled paper. It bore a message from a friend, Paul. Come to my home ASAP. I have something to tell you. That was all it said, but if anyone catches me with such a message, I could be arrested. My heart pounded hard as I neared the familiar door of Paul's home, once in there I would be safer and I can burn this slip of paper.

I tapped on the wooden door lightly, and in an instant I was invited in and the door was bolted shut. Settling down on a small stool, I watched as Paul served me a cup of water. His mousy-brown hair was unkempt, dark circles cradled his eyes and his calloused, bony hands trembled as he sat down next to me. The darkness of his messy home only served to escalate my worry, what was he going to tell me?

"So," I whispered, hoping no one else could hear me. The secret police had the frightening ability to hear through walls. "What is it?"

He did not answer. Instead, he pushed a sheet of paper toward me. Gingerly, I picked it up, and peered at the untidy scrawls on the crumpled white sheet. It was a map. A map of the western part of town, showing numerous alleyways, dots and most notably, the wall. The wall the kept us in, and the others out. I looked closer, the dots were labelled as soldiers. A large arrow snaked through the maze of alleys, ending at the wall. My eyes widened, he was planning an escape!

"Are you sure? We will die!" I hissed. Paul merely narrowed his eyes and asked, "Surely you don't want to stay here. Don't you want to see your family?" My heart ached at the mention of my family. Ever since that blasted wall was built, I had never seen my family even once. They were left on the outside, while I was left caged in here and made to suffer. My eyebrows furrowed as I thought of all the suffering I had to endure while living here, not having enough food, working like a slave and not being able to see my kin. The more I thought, the more I was sure that I wanted to get out. Even so, was escape even possible?

"I've been scouting, this plan will not fail. I will run, I risked my skin to draw this map. It's your choice to come." Paul folded his arms, indicating that his decision was final. He looked at me, waiting for my answer. I nodded.

"Good. We leave tomorrow night."

I sucked in my breath as my shoes scraped the dusty ground, the sound echoing sharply in my ears. Whipping my head around, I heaved a sigh of relief seeing that there was no one around. Paul was up ahead, the map clutched tightly in hand as he slid into a dark alley. I moved faster, getting separated could undermine this whole plan. I kept my head low, to enable myself to hide easily if needed. Even in the darkness of night and with a thick fog settling, I still felt utterly exposed, expecting to hear a soldier raising the alarm each time we made a new turn. My heart pounded wildly as we darted sliently through the alleys, passing wall after wall, following the planned route very closely. We struggled to stay silent, my muscles tensed at every sound I heard. The stress was immense, it was through sheer willpower that I kept my knees from buckling in fear.

Finally, we were at the last alley, the wall visible at the opening of the alleyway. Finally, we were about to complete the escape. Adrenaline coursed through my veins as I envisioned us making a break for it beyong the wall. In my excitement, I kicked over a bottle. It clinked as it rolled, sending echoes of its movement resounding into the air. Pure horror and fear flooded me instantly as I heard the thumping of boots nearby, getting louder by the second. Paul and I darted behind a large trash bin. The soldier entered the alley. I heard the distinct shuffle of the rifle getting raised, and the thumping of his boots grew louder as he neared the bin. If he gets past the bin, we are done for. I held my breath as he approached, and Paul mouthed a prayer.

A cat sprung out from under the bin, speeding past the soldier's feet and bolting into the darkness. I exhaled slowly as the sound of his boots began to grow softer and eventually died away. Thank heavens, we were saved. Once the coast was clear, we sprinted toward the battered, 2 metre tall wall. It was poorly constructed at this part, providing us several footholds. Paul wasted no time and began to climb. I quickly followed suit, the thick fog was not going to hide our presence for very long. The nearest guard post at the top of the wall was only 20 metres from where we were climbing, but based on Paul's scouting, the guard stationed there was currently patrolling elsewhere, leaving us a narrow pocket of time to get over. Blood pulsed through my body, and my excitement grew as I neared the top of the wall. With an almighty heave, Paul and I launched ourselves over the top, and landed in one piece on the other side.

Waves of euphoria crashed through me as I surveyed our success. There we were, shaken, panting and sweating profusely but alive and well on the other side of the wall. We both broke into huge smiles, patting each other on the back for a job well done. Finally, I could live and see my family again, no longer would I have to live in fear. We stood there, drowning in euphoria and grinning crazily as we relished in our successful escape. Neither of us heard the dangerous click of a rifle overhead.

The gun fired. Immediately, my mind was thrown into a frenzied panic as I watched Paul collapse beside me, clutching his thigh and releasing an inhuman scream from his lips. His bright eyes turned hollow, and the colour drained from his face as a dark pool of blood grew from under his thigh. His screaming ripped the silence of the night into shreds. Reeling in fear, I gave in to instinct. I bolted, running as fast as I could to the town up ahead. As I tore down the empty square, my conscience began to unleash a torrent of guilt. He was my friend. He gave me the chance for freedom. He gave me a hope. Betrayal. Left him for dead. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks as my conscience pronounced its judgement on me again and again. Paul's screams of agony continued to shatter the silence, and I jumped as two more shots were fired, one striking the ground near me and the other narrowly missing me by mere inches. Throwing all caution to the wind, I dove sideways into the first alley I saw, putting me out of the soldier's line of fire, Paul's screams filling my ears all the while. Another shot was fired, and the screaming stopped.

As I lay on my back in the dark alley, I watched the narrow strip of dark sky above me. My heart was still racing and my lungs burned as I gasped for air. The tears had stopped, and my conscience had fallen silent as hope of seeing better days began to blossom in my heart. At least, I could see my family again.

Monday, August 9, 2010


I am annoyed. Whenever I think of something cool or awesome I can write on my blog, something that would be long and readable for at least me, I am either not at my computer or in a situation which would cause me to forget the idea. Its so annoying really, and yeah so here I am practically forcing myself to write something decent on this forsaken blog.

So its August. Technically I should be studying but for now I am choosing to ignore that responsibility. I havent finished any of my homework for this long weekend. This recent slip-up in my attitude towards my work has been causing much of a mental breakdown in me. Then one would say, what's the use of packing all these kinds of negative and harmful emotions and thoughts if you're not going to do anything about the problem at hand? Exactly my point, I am able to identify problems, but I'm usually too lazy to execute the necessary steps and procedures to resolve the issue.

Why? Because that would involve me having to stop whatever I may be currently doing and re-organise my command queue and proceed to engage my homework, which most humans would agree is a rather horrible thing to do. The sequence tends to go like this:

-Proceed to enter in fun activity. Activating necessary brain functions-
-internal priorities indicate that assigned work must be completed...restructuring programme to prepare for engagement in above mentioned priority...-
-command sequence overruled-
-sensors detect resistance from internal motherboards... attempting to reboot programme...-
-command sequence overruled-
-message received from central motherboard messaging system...-
-What the hell are you trying to pull huh?-
Shut up. Lemme have some fun-
-Your exams are coming you retard. Get you butt moving you nut!-
-Quit messing with me. Shut up-
-This isn't the first time, you better get moving and hit the books or els-
messaging link terminated-
-anti-virus programme activated...starting /guilty conscience/.doc...-
-You are about to shut down the central motherboard systems. Proceed?-
*hits the enter key*

So yeah thats pretty much what happens. I shall attempt to continue this some time later.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

What is wrong with me?

The different Chinese Ten Year Series from my brother has been sitting on my shelf since last year. A whole year plus, doing nothing but collecting dust. Not one of its pages have been flipped open since my brother last closed it after his use. And here I am now, on the eve of the Chinese o level exam, opening its pages in a final, desperate and pathetic attempt to do some form of practice just to ease my mind for tomorrow. I had 2 weeks of Chinese Intensive lessons, ranging from 3 hours to 8 hours everyday, and I just had 2 free days to do some final preps. But did I? Heck no. The Intensive lessons helped little. All they did was to give me an illusion of my Chinese improving. It is an illusion. There is no improvement.

And the cloze passage I just finished merely proved it. 3 correct answers out of 10 questions. Impressive score really. Most impressive. Second cloze passage: 4/10. I give up. Its an O level cloze passage and these are the scores I'm getting? I seemed to do much better on the prelim papers. Yes, the papers that are supposed to be much harder than O levels. Where's the logic in that?

I knew full well the consequences of my actions, yet I paid no attention. Well congratulations reality, you win. Take the cash and go.

No point trying so hard now. Regret and anger paint today's canvas. And the next person who tells me that I deserve it is so going to have their head blasted off their shoulders. Besides, its too late to tell me that now isnt it?

Things aren't going too well for sure. I have left out so many things, even the most important
one I also left out of the equation. Its a major flop. I forgot God in my equation. I happily chose not to care too much. I loosen up right before crunch time. All in all, it was just VERY bad timing on my part. Oh well, time to catch hellfire.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Time flies... WHY??

Well, today Cleo and I were reminiscing about the old times of our lives. (I know it makes us sound old but whatever)

And when I think about all the fun times i enjoyed when I was younger, it makes me feel very sad that I most probably can never re-live them again.

Like the times I spent with my cousins as a young kid. I remember the times where we would coop up in a room all day and play computer games together on a single computer ( I remember vividly that I loved watching my cousin playing Rockman X4 and Pikachu volleyball) or we would play cards together or just talk rubbish. I recalled the time when they lived in a house with a large 2nd floor balcony and my dad would light fireworks (mini rockets actually) and they would fire up into the sky from a metal can. Then when a paper wrap from the rocket fell from the sky, my cousin said that its clothes fell off. That hilarious moment when we jumped onto the couch in fright in response to seeing a remote controlled stunt car. (I still remember that that was when I was still rather young and the gaming console we had then was a keyboard-like thing where your game was a cartridge that you had to stick into the top part of the computer keyboard thing) Or the time when they moved to a house that had a huge field and me and my eldest cousin were nearly rolling on the grass in laughter as we saw both our brothers attempting to fly a kite but failing miserably. Not forgetting the many times we would sit in front of the TV and play horror games together on the PS 2 and then get freaked out together in broad daylight. And the times where we spent day after day playing pretend and making up our own "trilogies". The days where we would spend an entire day in the family video rental shop, playing games and eating together on the same table while the adults ran the business. Those times where we bought the little packets that would explode after getting pressed and accidentally flinging it under the maid's chair when she wasn't looking =P. Or when we bought those styrofoam planes and kept flying them everywhere in the shop and simply turning the entire shop into our playground. And yes the times where I dreaded to take a bath in the shop's bathroom cos it was so far away from everyone and it was quite scary.

I miss those times. Nowadays we spend time on our own laptops, and I would be drifting around the house, moving from one cousin to the next only to find them playing their own games. That's how our visits are nowadays. The afternoons are spent either gaming by themselves or sleeping, while I would be either stoning, gaming alone on the PS or doing homework. Sometimes I feel that it is quite sad that we have actually come to such a point. Its a real shame that we've become like this after all that we have done together as children, but then again it would be rather weird to see a bunch of teens (ranging from 14 to 21 years old) playing pretend. But now we spend time together differently. We go out to watch movies together and go to the arcade, but only at night. So I guess we can still have fun, just not in the same way.

Oh and its finally April. Why is time so fast? I would prefer if it were still March. Soon it will be my mid years, then my chinese O levels. Oh no. I pray that God will help me to get cracking and get work done, and help me with my tests. The battle is about to begin.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

This is weird...

I have having very weird dreams lately. Really very funny but action packed dreams. At least I get to have some form of entertainment when I sleep. Heh.

Its the so called March hols now. With a nice load of homework and only 2 days left, one wonders how I'm going to pull this off. I guess its time to stay up till 4 again... Seriously, ever since the September hols last year, I have been staying up till 4am on the 2nd last official day to finish homework. Its not too shabby, and strangely staying up till 4 or 5 in the morning gives me a sense of satisfaction. (I know i'm weird 8D)

However there are other things on my mind now. Things that are yes stupid and weird. I wish I could stop thinking sometimes.

Just watched Alice in Wonderland yesterday with Cleo and the Com seniors. We were supposed to meet up at 12, but guess what. Only Jasmine came at around 12-ish. Rayna and Felicia came at around 12.55 and the movie starts at 1.25. We had a (rather) quick lunch at KFC before flying to the cinema. The movie wasn't too bad, the effects were good, but the storyline is a little bit broken, like how Alice would run after the rabbit and then suddenly be taken to a caterpillar. Imma be konfuzed. But overall it was rather nice to watch and i just love Cheshire Cat!

After the movie, the lot of us decided to walk to Cresecent from orchard. So we took a bus first to go to Orchard,then we began to walk. Jasmine went home halfway, and the rest of us continued. We got lost halfway, then Jasmine came down again to tell us where to go. Heh. Even if it took us a good hour ++ to get to school, it was very enjoyable.

A quote from me:
Time can heal most wounds, but time can create new ones as well.

Monday, February 1, 2010

My story 3

Let it go, let it fly away into history...because it cannot be kept anymore.

It was like a pet, sweet and nice at many times, rather annoying at others, and overall rather tiring to keep controlled.

I held on... so tight, so tight. My grip has embedded into my skin, the scars of the bites and scratches remain as grooves and contours on my memory, sewn into my history. It was painful, but when the fun came, the scars were gone, as if washed away by the euphoria of random talk, playful banter and the occasion dumb streaks.

Yet, it is hard to take in that everything is really over. The leash-end is still with me, but where is the collar? Where is the head? Up in the clouds, miles from my eyes, eons from me. Never to return.

Hope inquired: "Perhaps all is not lost, given the time spent, a part, a fraction, a figment would still remain there. When chance allows for its return, things would probably still be fine."

Rationality roared: "FOOL. Time will wear down everything, whatever feeble foundation or scaffold you may have stubbornly built, time will erode it and it shall crumble to dust. Keep to yourself, foolish Hope, and see reality for yourself."

Sorrow spoke: "Please just stop, it's over, it's all over. Nothing can restore it, nothing. Just give up. The heart, she wants it back... so badly... she is pained by my seat there. But what can she do?"

Memory spoke: "At least the records are with me. If there is a need to remember the joyous times, she will be able to. We should take comfort in that."

The silence shall fall... and I must learn to release and move on to things more important.