Another one

Well, its now the long awaited Dec hols. I remember that I always looked forward to this 2 month long holiday every year when I was younger. Free to wake at any time, free to do whatever I want, supposedly free from school. Yet the irony is that I have been going back to school almost everyday for the past 2 weeks of the hols. Why?

Week 1: Have to go back for extra lessons to continue with the syllabus. And CCA. Turned out we are all dragged into some stupid project called the GreenLab project where we are supposed to create animations about the new comp lab in school called the Greenlab where everything is eco-friendly and well green. Almost literally. The carpet has what, 3 shades of green? One corner has a green bamboo wallpaper. Correction. Covered with a BRIGHT GREEN wallpaper. They are really taking this "green" issues really seriously. Really.

Week 2: Somehow my group is doing an introductory/ overview animation of the greenlab. And somehow we decided that "hey! lets submit our animation for a separate competition!" And the end result? A whole week in school again, plus some more on the way! Not that the project/competition/I-don't-know-what is horrid, but its really draining me. During a holiday when I'm supposed to be well rested. Oh the irony.

Then as I read through my past posts on this blog, it notice that during 08, I seemed to be quite a happy and lively person. Then what happened in 09? Gloom, dread, fear, random poems that no one can decipher. Perhaps I've become a bit more... I don't know, sad and emo? I seem to have been facing a lot of problems this year. My mother tells me that its because I think too much and have a too high expectations. Well she is right. I have been thinking A LOT this year. (Perhaps my brain is expanding :o) But I cannot deny the fact that I have changed quite a bit this year, apart from being just a slight bit more hardworking (trust me, procrastination never leaves you) getting great results (thank God for that, if He didnt help i would not be able to understand those concepts easily!)

I am growing up, but in a sort of unorthodox way perhaps?

Some people wish that life was a bed of roses... they are blind. Why do they fail to realise that underneath that bed of roses lies a sea of thorns?

Life is like a vacuum. It sucks. But when one is able to see the great works and love of God, all will be well. I wish to be able to see them soon.

Phew.

Phew. After several weeks of getting stressed, not eating well, cursing my head off, procrastinating, wanting to murder people and then getting angry because I can't, the Final Year Exams are finally over. And yet, I feel a little sad. This means I'm one step closer to becoming a Sec 4, something I am sort of dreading. Also I (sadly and sorta weirdly) have become accustomed to always having something to do (say, a mountain of homework) everyday. Suddenly being thrown into a free period of time sorta unsettles me. Mainly because I sorta have forgotten how to wake up late on weekdays like today when I have no school. =P

Have I really become some workaholic that curses in the midst of the flood of work and then finds a time of peace super creepy? Perhaps. How stupid. Haha.

Well I am for one a little scared of the fact that I am almost finishing Sec 3 so quickly, especially when at the start of the year, I felt that this year was going to be very long. So much for long, now here I am out of the war with FYE, bored and tired. But the main reason why I'm scared? Cos of what's going to happen next year. O levels man.

During the last few weeks, I witnessed what the Sec 4's crazy preparations for their Os. It was mock after mock after mock and work after work after work. Study and cram like siao before prelims. Then mass lessons everyday, while going through prelim papers. Then after the Sec 4 farewell assembly (which I had absolutely no idea why we Sec 3's had to attend) they would just be cooped up at home studying, coming back for consultations and MORE mock papers and homework. At least that's how I see it from my perspective. Given how tired I am from studying, and just how annoyed I am for having to study I'm not looking forward to becoming a Sec 4.

And yes the start of 2010 will also mean even less drama for me.

But life must go on, and perhaps sooner or later I will be at the end of my Os and complaining how badly I did. Or something similar to that.

Grah I hope I don't get retained in Sec 3 though. Its far worse that becoming Sec 4.

I am also drifting very very far away from God. So much so that I no longer feel that He is there, even though He does make His presence known by helping me through my papers. I better buck up and clean up this mess. Clear out my hypocritical behaviour and profane speech. Its an ugly thing man. I'm worried that I might have already done something terribly wrong.

Question for everyone: should I drop core geography? I really stink at it right now. Give me an opinion!

A prayer

Dear God,

I have sinned against you one too many times,
yet you still keep me alive
and keep me safe.
Please help me to understand how you love
because I do not understand.

Please forgive my sins Lord,
and help me to run when temptation lurks
Please hold my hand everyday and give me strength
just so I will not stumble.

For I know I have no self-control
and am weak.
Please have mercy on me
and teach me, your face, to seek.

Please help my from my stress,
and help me to feel at peace.
I am very stressed and angry, Lord
my stress is like a beast.

It is eating me up and builds fury
and it brings me close to sin.
so please dear God, free me!
So that I won't die within.

Help me to see and feel that you are there,
that you will always be,
and to know that you will not abandon me
to leave me and not care.

And help me to count the many blessings you give me
so that with each that I count my faith will grow.
And that I will learn to be thankful,
all the way.

Keep me on the right path,
help me not to stray,
for as a human I will err
so please lead the way.

I know that I'm stubborn
and will often forget.
But yet even when I am far away,
You do not forget.

Please help me not to lie
and to mean what i say
So that I will not be a hypocrite
For from this you'll turn away.

Lord, a great battle is coming up
and I have not prepared
Please give me the strength to listen to you
and help me to start preparing.

Amen

Of Guinea Pigs and Unfulfilled Wishes

Hush hush breakdown!

Swish swing shazzle bish bang boom.

Not in a particularly good mood for now even though today was rather enjoyable. Im procrastinating. NOOOOO. Im like pushing back all my work and studying even though I SPECIFICALLY told myself not to. Oh well. Self-control is not on my side today, nor will it ever be if I don't try.

Had Amaths lesson in the morning today. Apparently My Choy cut his hair even shorter, saying its more cooling and he can save shampoo and whatnot. Since I was feeling kinda rich, I paid Yap 2 bucks and dared her to say to him "Your hair looks good". (but the terms were only settled after much bargaining through the medium of passing notes in class) And yes she accepted it and went ahead with the task, thanking me for making her 2 bucks richer. hah. And after all the jokes were over, My Choy dumped us with more homework. RAR

Went to AMK Hub after changing my outfit (i wouldnt want to go out in school U.what if a teacher stalks me and catches me doing something st00p1d?). I arrived there like about 30 mins early and had to stone for a looong time with Jasper coz I had to wait for the others to come. We ate a very very quick lunch (we da-baoed macs) and then watched G-Force. (yknow the movie with the talking guinea pigs? Not too bad a movie, quite cute and funny) Unfortunately Jasper had to leave even before the movie started and then Sue Anne left after the movie, leaving me Amanda.C, Irvin and Wilson to wander around some more before I left for home.

Been surfing net ever since i reached home though I had originally planned to do some work. RAWR curse you lack of self control person! (which would be me)

Just

Just looking and waiting for a chance

just so you can notice me.

Just what is it that I am lacking?

That makes me transparent to you?

I tried to change my image.

No effect.

I spoke more.

I became loud mouthed.

I then spoke less (how ironic)

Even worse.

I appeared in front of you more,

but-

ERROR: MS WORD HAS CRASHED FOR THE WORD DOCUMENT Just.docx IS A PURE LOAD OF EMO TRASH. MS WORD WAS UNABLE TO RETRIEVE THE DOCUMENT. GOOD RIDDANCE TO YA. :D

Nuts to be you technology! (bashes computer)

REBOOTING....

I appeared in front of you more,

but I feel so dumb doing so.

Try to help, but get declined

I go to my other friends

but I still end up going near you.

Perhaps my little wish

will never become reality

But then again if I try hard

maybe I can strike a shot

wHOs Up fOr A gaMe of p00l PeEpz! (lol)

Nonetheless, my options I'll weigh

To go or to stay.

When I find the answer from my scales

Hopefully you're not in other vales.

I wish

Now everyone has wishes. Some wish for money, others wish for fame. Some wish they knew it all, some wished that they forgot.

Wishing. A kind of request one makes so that their almost untouchable desires can be fulfilled. It is what many refer to as the shortcut to all your dreams. Sadly wishing can only take place as a request and almost all the time, our wishes NEVER come true.

If you had just one single wish for yourself, just one that would definitely come true, what would you wish for?

Some goody two shoes would wish for world peace (like that will ever happen. look at N.Korea, they're still firing dumb missiles and making a tonna noise for whatever reasons. I hear that a war might just happen. Hooray for us, we're all gonna die.)

Perhaps you would wish that there was no such thing as pain and suffering in the world (Feh. Without pain and suffering would you ever appreciate the things around you? Humans would never learn how to treasure things or even learn until they lose it. Just like deforestation and all that other environmental issues, they'll only stop when we die. Just when will man learn)

Maybe you would wish that you have a ton of money (but when recession comes its will become pieces of paper)

Whatever the wish is, its quite hard to achieve it. But hey, who said you can't dream and fantasize?

Hmm I wish... that I can get... (NOT TELLING YOU WHAT I WANT)


Well moving on to current events, common test is finally over. To be superbly and insanely honest, I didn't really prepare for it and yeah i have kinda of a bad feeling about it. But now I have something else (a lot of things actually) to take my mind off CT. ELEARNING. YES ELEARNING. Or Home Based Learning if u want to make it sound nicer. Im stuck at home with work. Id rather go to school really. Theres quite some work, but last year was worse.

Sigh life's is soo boring

A mother's love

Prewetta was covered in sweat as she scurried around the kitchen, checking the fridge and cupboards making sure she had put all the essentials into the box. She glanced up at the clock. 11am. "I better hurry, or else Dan would miss his lunch." Then, after having made sure she had put all his favourites into the lunchbox, she rushes out of the door. Striding across the carpark with the lunch box in hand , she found her motorbike parked at its usual spot. Very quickly, she got on and sped off.

"Where on earth is she?" Dan cursed as his stomach growled again. His mother was late! And all his friends were nearly done eating!

"Hey Dan, you're not having lunch?" One of his classmates piped up. Dan gives her a brief smile before turning back to the gates, face contorted into a scowl. He had been expecting to hear the faint roar of his mother's motorbike for the past 15 minutes, but it never came. He swore loudly as yet another vehicle passed, apparently mistaking it for his mother for the umpteenth time.

Meanwhile, Prewetta was speedily approaching the familiar bend that meant she was not far from her destination. "I hope that Dan isn't too hungry right now." As she sped around the corner, worrying whether her son was getting stomach cramps, she did not see the black BMW that was practically lunging towards her. "Almost ther-" Impact. All she heard next was the screeching of tyres and the shattering of glass as she sailed through the air before landing on her shoulder with an almighty, sickening crunch; the lunchbox cluched tightly in her other arm all the while.

"I'm terribly sorry! I should have seen where I was going. I'm..." Who was talking to her? The shock from the crash had left her mind in a blank. She twitched her uninjured arm and felt a box. Dan's lunch! Just as the driver was about to check and see if she was awake, Prewetta shot up, nearly scaring the driver to death. "I'm fine!" Prewetta said, or at least she hoped she did, as she got up and limped to the school down the road. She heard the driver screaming about getting an ambulance and going to the hospital and that some miracle had just happened or something like that. That can wait, she needed to get to the school!

Dan was practically seething when he saw his mother finally walk through the gates. She gave a weak lopsided smile as she handed him his lunch gently. She expects him to eat after making him wait?! His friends were done long ago! His chest boiling, he slams the box out of his mother's outstretched arm. The lunchbox hit the ground with a deafening clatter, spilling rice, chicken and potatoes all over the tiled floors. "WHERE WERE YOU? NO POINT IN EATING NOW, MY FRIENDS WERE DONE LONG AGO!" With that, he stormed off. He did not notice that his mother's right shoulder was twisted at an odd angle, or that her pants were torn slightly or that her ankle was starting to swell. Nor did he see the hurt look that crossed his mother's eyes when he sent his meal flying. She had ruined his day, now he had to go to class, hungry.

Prewetta felt tears welling up in her eyes. She did not know why she was crying nor why she felt so hurt, it was just a lunchbox! No. She had ruined her son's day, and she had been rejected by him. Silently sobbing, she knelt to clean up the mess, ignoring the searing pain from her shoulder, and the odd constricting sensation she felt in her chest. As she limped painfully home, a small voice at the back of her head worried whether he would be able to endure his lessons on an empty stomach. Colourful spots began to cloud her vision, her chest began to constrict even more and throbbed, her breathing came out in short raspy breaths and a moment later, all went black...

It was only hours later when Dan saw the look of devastation on his father's face as he arrived home, did he realise that something had gone wrong. Terribly wrong.

"I just got a call from the ICU..."

My story 2

Nothing's changed.
I'm still in a world of chaos and puzzles.
Solved? You wish.

I look up at the sky and wonder,
how long have I been on this wild goose chase?
just when, oh when will I learn to let it go?
There are so many other things to look at, to think about, to care.
So why am I still stuck on you?

I know well that when year-end comes, it will all be over.
No more chances, no more tries, no more glances
no more laughs, no more banters.
Should I try to take every remaining chance I have?
But is it worth it, to waste my time.
Fine, I'll try.
But now this is what I see :

Sure we talk, but what good is there anymore?
We speak of nothing but business.
I've lost the essence of it all.
You as well.
I've done enough, I'm through, or so I think
My determination lunges forth at the first chance, ready to strike.
But deep down I know, its not worth it, I shouldn't care.
These times, they'll fly away sooner or later. They won't last.
I still see you in the crowd, as always
I'm still standing afar, watching, waiting,
and silently cursing my stupidity.
Yet shamelessly clinging to a foolish hope, that perhaps, just perhaps
we can experience old times again.

Am I just trying too hard?
Maybe.
Grow up! Let go!
I beg myself please,
Or I'll never have my mind at ease.
Have I crossed the line? Just to impress?
Definitely. So now what?
I don't know. But I will retrace my steps,
repent and start over, if I can...

Now I'm at home and I wonder again,
my own kind is in danger.
No time to worry for this
So I'll put this down and see to the rest.
And whether I come back the same or not,
Well,
We'll see.