Phase out

Well well well. Its the end of 2010. The supposed long and hellish year I was to face.

So, I'm here at the end, looking upon my tracks and contemplating all that I have, and have not, done throughout the entire year.

Well for starters, this year was an interesting journey of self discovery. I managed to grow up, even if it's just a little. I managed to get used to and accept the fact that chasing after recognition was pretty much pointless and useless. Once it has left, then unless chances come, no more. A madman's chase is no longer something I must ever do. Learnt to always point a finger at yourself, even if it seems like you're completely clean, since you either learn what or what not to do from everything that happens. I've seen just how selfish, and very occasionally selfless, I can be. How crude, yet gentle, I can be as well. (yes yes I do have a gentle side. Just depends on who you are) Till now, I still have the "want to be cool" streak in me, even though I have figured multiple times that I could not be so, and that it was pointless too.

Laziness was one of my greatest challenges this year. High flying for too long can really make one unwilling to flap their wings. Combating the all too alluring sensation of not doing work has been quite a failure. And now I'm being driven mad because I don't have work to do. Oh the irony. Sometimes in life, you really just have to suck it up, bite the bullet down and go. Better learn that...

I've laughed, cried, smiled, sworn, cursed, sighed, shouted, feared, stoned, been bitter, been excited, been depressed, been pained. You name it, I probably had it. Well except death of course. It has been a complete mess of colour this year. Stress was number one on the list, second would be thinking too much. And honestly, next year aint looking too good. I have stepped into new phases of life that are both fun and dangerous. I also have been able to understand when adults say that "you're too young". The meaning behind this phrase is something not beyond imagination, but definitely incomprehensible unless you've been there. I've made plenty of mistakes, some small, some big enough to result in lasting consequences.

God has blessed me to have a smooth year, with only my oversensitive emotional systems getting roughed up. Not much illness, there were problems that taught me more about how weak I am, and definitely happy moments too. However, the lesson I have yet to learn, is how to be happy. Sounds like a lifetime homework though. I have seen the kinds of challenges that we as Christians have to face, and caught glimpses of just how fragile the human heart can be. Of course, there is no denying the power of motivation and confidence stemming from the truths. As I said, this year is a colourful, contrasting one.

2010, I won't forget you. For being a total annoyance, a thorn in my side, but yet also for being a good teacher, and definitely a happy part of my life.