In the multitude of words, sin is not lacking.
This is definitely true, for I speak from experience. Why? For I learnt that sometimes, the best thing to do is to shut up. You may very well destroy a person with the words that you speak at the next instant.
Upon reviewing the past events in life, all I can conclude is that God is truly merciful. I mean, after all I have done and am still doing, I still am healthy (and not flattened by a lorry or car), have food, a family and a home, and a brain. Not to mention many blessings. Which really brings me to agree to what Sis Fang Yu said to me during theolo: God loves us to the point that He spoils us sometimes, just like a father.
Of course, He will not hesitate to correct when we go off, and if He does not correct at that moment, bear in mind that its only because He is merciful and is giving us a chance.
The path is not easy. No one said it would be easy. But we must all learn to press on, for if we truly believe and have faith, then God shall be with us all the way.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Gift of 2010
Hey, its the year 2010. New year, new classroom (ironically STILL on the 2nd floor), new set of teachers, SAME homework, SAME amount of trash, MORE dumb stuff and chaos on the way.
Now, while we enter the new year, we all know that we should all "put the past behind" and "get on with the new year" and "start afresh". I'm quite sure we all have heard these cliche phrases repeated over and over and over and over again to us year after year after year after year.....
So, ignoring these dumb repetitions and the fact that people are actually bothering to waste their time to properly pronounce "2010", let us see what the so-called "new" year has to offer...
So, by year I am 16 years old. A real "sweet 16" I must say. I'm now a Sec 4, an age and status that I actually don't want to have. I'm sure by this time, the whole of Singapore must have heard of the crazy O level scores form our school. An achievement, yes, but it means double pressure for us. We would be expected to do better than the previous batch, so lets all hope that we (especially me)will work hard and not give the entire faculty cardiac arrest the same time next year.
For now my studies are fine (or at least I hope so), I hope all my Sec 3 concepts didnt go down the toilet. But I'm a human, I will forget things and make mistakes. So I NEED TO BUCK UP. No more slacking allowed, I must do my best to finish my work, and revise whenever. I'm exhausted yes, but I just have to do AT LEAST something. For crying out loud its only the second week of school and I'm already freaking out, O levels are not long away and I have to deal with Chinese, Amaths and Emaths. (Im currently trying to keep myself from cursing)
And yes by now you should have more or less deduced that my mind is under rather unusual duress.
So gift number 1 of 2010: A deranged and stressed mind
2010: 1 , Rachel : 0
What else you got for me 2010? Oh lemme guess, MORE school related stuff.
Gift number 2: An entire schedule of cramming for Os
2010 : 2 , Rachel : still 0
Please no more..., what you got more? Great.
Gift number 3: No time, exhaustion and fury all bundled nicely with giftwrap and a bow on top.
2010 : 3 , Rachel : STILL 0
Gift number 4: A progressively worsening life thereafter
2010 (and beyond) : 1000000 , Rachel : [Terminated]
So... I guess this new year really has lived up to its name, giving me 4 new gifts that pretty much is also given to everyone else.
May God see me through this stressful year. Long or short, its going to be a very hellish thing for me. I pray that He will hear my cries, even when I'm buried deep under or just one step short of an explosion. For if He does not hear me now, I will surely die. I pray that whenever I feel like saying "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that He will be merciful enough to reply that He will help me.
Now, while we enter the new year, we all know that we should all "put the past behind" and "get on with the new year" and "start afresh". I'm quite sure we all have heard these cliche phrases repeated over and over and over and over again to us year after year after year after year.....
So, ignoring these dumb repetitions and the fact that people are actually bothering to waste their time to properly pronounce "2010", let us see what the so-called "new" year has to offer...
So, by year I am 16 years old. A real "sweet 16" I must say. I'm now a Sec 4, an age and status that I actually don't want to have. I'm sure by this time, the whole of Singapore must have heard of the crazy O level scores form our school. An achievement, yes, but it means double pressure for us. We would be expected to do better than the previous batch, so lets all hope that we (especially me)will work hard and not give the entire faculty cardiac arrest the same time next year.
For now my studies are fine (or at least I hope so), I hope all my Sec 3 concepts didnt go down the toilet. But I'm a human, I will forget things and make mistakes. So I NEED TO BUCK UP. No more slacking allowed, I must do my best to finish my work, and revise whenever. I'm exhausted yes, but I just have to do AT LEAST something. For crying out loud its only the second week of school and I'm already freaking out, O levels are not long away and I have to deal with Chinese, Amaths and Emaths. (Im currently trying to keep myself from cursing)
And yes by now you should have more or less deduced that my mind is under rather unusual duress.
So gift number 1 of 2010: A deranged and stressed mind
2010: 1 , Rachel : 0
What else you got for me 2010? Oh lemme guess, MORE school related stuff.
Gift number 2: An entire schedule of cramming for Os
2010 : 2 , Rachel : still 0
Please no more..., what you got more? Great.
Gift number 3: No time, exhaustion and fury all bundled nicely with giftwrap and a bow on top.
2010 : 3 , Rachel : STILL 0
Gift number 4: A progressively worsening life thereafter
2010 (and beyond) : 1000000 , Rachel : [Terminated]
So... I guess this new year really has lived up to its name, giving me 4 new gifts that pretty much is also given to everyone else.
May God see me through this stressful year. Long or short, its going to be a very hellish thing for me. I pray that He will hear my cries, even when I'm buried deep under or just one step short of an explosion. For if He does not hear me now, I will surely die. I pray that whenever I feel like saying "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that He will be merciful enough to reply that He will help me.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
What is 3 years?
What is 3 years to you? 1095 days? 26280 hours? Nothing? I don't know how you would think.
But to me? It's 63 days. (I shall not give credit to my brother for saying this)
Another year has ended, and so has another theolo. I definitely miss the noise and fun, but I must admit, it hasn't affected me as much as last year's.
Yes its still the same, waking up at 5 plus just to shower, then spending luchtime to slack or to mug, fishing for guppies and sometimes whales, praying and sometimes failing to concentrate. Haha I even had fellow fishermen with me in the front row :D Then somewhere in between, I got hooked to instant cereal and ate them by the packets (without water) as well as mayo on toast. (Theolo has awesome food combis trust me) Im glad I still lost weight, or perhaps muscle. I don't know. But Im happy that I need a belt now XD
I made new friends, got to meet old ones, met a nice and very funny preacher and had fun torturing the overseas people with durians =) Missed a birthday and celebrated mine with the first test in theolo along with fasting over 2 meals (awesome bday present eh?)
But I feel as if it was not as fulfilling as it once was. Why?
Perhaps its because I have had such a horrible faith this whole year, that most of my theolo was spent on complaining and crying out for something that is already there. Or just perhaps I havent been able to move out of Babylon. Sigh, what happened?
"It took the Israelites a day to move out of Egypt, but it took 40 years and more to move Egypt out of them"
Lord help me to continue in my prayer, and help me to stand on the breaches in my life. Teach me to love more, and help me to believe. I shall continue to seek God and trust Him. For those that wait upon the LORD will have their hearts strengthened.
For all I can actually do is to trust Him and be strong.
And then after lessons in theolo officially ended, we went on an outing, first to Vivo then to Henderson Waves. I daresay that I did enough walking to last me for a long while. Seriously, going to some huge mall with no aim can REALLY kill your legs. Then we found a ship called the Doulos (or whatever its spelled as) and Debby bought me a book. Had to get slick help to pay her back lol. Did jumpshots on the bridge and risked falling off the bridge lol.
Then we went back to church, played round-the-world table tennis and died, then woke the next morning to send the overseas peeps off. And yes we went to all 4 of the terminals in one day. I wanted to die. My legs were dying!
Sigh will miss all that are going off or have already gone. Lets keep in touch all!
(I know this post inst like the other ones that a thinking and whatnot, but everyone should have a boring post once in a while.) Now lets have some resolutions!
Resolutions:
Make Jennifer drink Milo + egg
Pray better
Stop eating so much >(
Mug more
Write to others
Grow up
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Lemme decide the rest later ok? Its like 1 am and my bro is chasing me out of his room now so yeah. Ok then. uh. yeah. ok... yeah.
But to me? It's 63 days. (I shall not give credit to my brother for saying this)
Another year has ended, and so has another theolo. I definitely miss the noise and fun, but I must admit, it hasn't affected me as much as last year's.
Yes its still the same, waking up at 5 plus just to shower, then spending luchtime to slack or to mug, fishing for guppies and sometimes whales, praying and sometimes failing to concentrate. Haha I even had fellow fishermen with me in the front row :D Then somewhere in between, I got hooked to instant cereal and ate them by the packets (without water) as well as mayo on toast. (Theolo has awesome food combis trust me) Im glad I still lost weight, or perhaps muscle. I don't know. But Im happy that I need a belt now XD
I made new friends, got to meet old ones, met a nice and very funny preacher and had fun torturing the overseas people with durians =) Missed a birthday and celebrated mine with the first test in theolo along with fasting over 2 meals (awesome bday present eh?)
But I feel as if it was not as fulfilling as it once was. Why?
Perhaps its because I have had such a horrible faith this whole year, that most of my theolo was spent on complaining and crying out for something that is already there. Or just perhaps I havent been able to move out of Babylon. Sigh, what happened?
"It took the Israelites a day to move out of Egypt, but it took 40 years and more to move Egypt out of them"
Lord help me to continue in my prayer, and help me to stand on the breaches in my life. Teach me to love more, and help me to believe. I shall continue to seek God and trust Him. For those that wait upon the LORD will have their hearts strengthened.
For all I can actually do is to trust Him and be strong.
And then after lessons in theolo officially ended, we went on an outing, first to Vivo then to Henderson Waves. I daresay that I did enough walking to last me for a long while. Seriously, going to some huge mall with no aim can REALLY kill your legs. Then we found a ship called the Doulos (or whatever its spelled as) and Debby bought me a book. Had to get slick help to pay her back lol. Did jumpshots on the bridge and risked falling off the bridge lol.
Then we went back to church, played round-the-world table tennis and died, then woke the next morning to send the overseas peeps off. And yes we went to all 4 of the terminals in one day. I wanted to die. My legs were dying!
Sigh will miss all that are going off or have already gone. Lets keep in touch all!
(I know this post inst like the other ones that a thinking and whatnot, but everyone should have a boring post once in a while.) Now lets have some resolutions!
Resolutions:
Make Jennifer drink Milo + egg
Pray better
Stop eating so much >(
Mug more
Write to others
Grow up
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Lemme decide the rest later ok? Its like 1 am and my bro is chasing me out of his room now so yeah. Ok then. uh. yeah. ok... yeah.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Another one
Well, its now the long awaited Dec hols. I remember that I always looked forward to this 2 month long holiday every year when I was younger. Free to wake at any time, free to do whatever I want, supposedly free from school. Yet the irony is that I have been going back to school almost everyday for the past 2 weeks of the hols. Why?
Week 1: Have to go back for extra lessons to continue with the syllabus. And CCA. Turned out we are all dragged into some stupid project called the GreenLab project where we are supposed to create animations about the new comp lab in school called the Greenlab where everything is eco-friendly and well green. Almost literally. The carpet has what, 3 shades of green? One corner has a green bamboo wallpaper. Correction. Covered with a BRIGHT GREEN wallpaper. They are really taking this "green" issues really seriously. Really.
Week 2: Somehow my group is doing an introductory/ overview animation of the greenlab. And somehow we decided that "hey! lets submit our animation for a separate competition!" And the end result? A whole week in school again, plus some more on the way! Not that the project/competition/I-don't-know-what is horrid, but its really draining me. During a holiday when I'm supposed to be well rested. Oh the irony.
Then as I read through my past posts on this blog, it notice that during 08, I seemed to be quite a happy and lively person. Then what happened in 09? Gloom, dread, fear, random poems that no one can decipher. Perhaps I've become a bit more... I don't know, sad and emo? I seem to have been facing a lot of problems this year. My mother tells me that its because I think too much and have a too high expectations. Well she is right. I have been thinking A LOT this year. (Perhaps my brain is expanding :o) But I cannot deny the fact that I have changed quite a bit this year, apart from being just a slight bit more hardworking (trust me, procrastination never leaves you) getting great results (thank God for that, if He didnt help i would not be able to understand those concepts easily!)
I am growing up, but in a sort of unorthodox way perhaps?
Some people wish that life was a bed of roses... they are blind. Why do they fail to realise that underneath that bed of roses lies a sea of thorns?
Life is like a vacuum. It sucks. But when one is able to see the great works and love of God, all will be well. I wish to be able to see them soon.
Week 1: Have to go back for extra lessons to continue with the syllabus. And CCA. Turned out we are all dragged into some stupid project called the GreenLab project where we are supposed to create animations about the new comp lab in school called the Greenlab where everything is eco-friendly and well green. Almost literally. The carpet has what, 3 shades of green? One corner has a green bamboo wallpaper. Correction. Covered with a BRIGHT GREEN wallpaper. They are really taking this "green" issues really seriously. Really.
Week 2: Somehow my group is doing an introductory/ overview animation of the greenlab. And somehow we decided that "hey! lets submit our animation for a separate competition!" And the end result? A whole week in school again, plus some more on the way! Not that the project/competition/I-don't-know-what is horrid, but its really draining me. During a holiday when I'm supposed to be well rested. Oh the irony.
Then as I read through my past posts on this blog, it notice that during 08, I seemed to be quite a happy and lively person. Then what happened in 09? Gloom, dread, fear, random poems that no one can decipher. Perhaps I've become a bit more... I don't know, sad and emo? I seem to have been facing a lot of problems this year. My mother tells me that its because I think too much and have a too high expectations. Well she is right. I have been thinking A LOT this year. (Perhaps my brain is expanding :o) But I cannot deny the fact that I have changed quite a bit this year, apart from being just a slight bit more hardworking (trust me, procrastination never leaves you) getting great results (thank God for that, if He didnt help i would not be able to understand those concepts easily!)
I am growing up, but in a sort of unorthodox way perhaps?
Some people wish that life was a bed of roses... they are blind. Why do they fail to realise that underneath that bed of roses lies a sea of thorns?
Life is like a vacuum. It sucks. But when one is able to see the great works and love of God, all will be well. I wish to be able to see them soon.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Phew.
Phew. After several weeks of getting stressed, not eating well, cursing my head off, procrastinating, wanting to murder people and then getting angry because I can't, the Final Year Exams are finally over. And yet, I feel a little sad. This means I'm one step closer to becoming a Sec 4, something I am sort of dreading. Also I (sadly and sorta weirdly) have become accustomed to always having something to do (say, a mountain of homework) everyday. Suddenly being thrown into a free period of time sorta unsettles me. Mainly because I sorta have forgotten how to wake up late on weekdays like today when I have no school. =P
Have I really become some workaholic that curses in the midst of the flood of work and then finds a time of peace super creepy? Perhaps. How stupid. Haha.
Well I am for one a little scared of the fact that I am almost finishing Sec 3 so quickly, especially when at the start of the year, I felt that this year was going to be very long. So much for long, now here I am out of the war with FYE, bored and tired. But the main reason why I'm scared? Cos of what's going to happen next year. O levels man.
During the last few weeks, I witnessed what the Sec 4's crazy preparations for their Os. It was mock after mock after mock and work after work after work. Study and cram like siao before prelims. Then mass lessons everyday, while going through prelim papers. Then after the Sec 4 farewell assembly (which I had absolutely no idea why we Sec 3's had to attend) they would just be cooped up at home studying, coming back for consultations and MORE mock papers and homework. At least that's how I see it from my perspective. Given how tired I am from studying, and just how annoyed I am for having to study I'm not looking forward to becoming a Sec 4.
And yes the start of 2010 will also mean even less drama for me.
But life must go on, and perhaps sooner or later I will be at the end of my Os and complaining how badly I did. Or something similar to that.
Grah I hope I don't get retained in Sec 3 though. Its far worse that becoming Sec 4.
I am also drifting very very far away from God. So much so that I no longer feel that He is there, even though He does make His presence known by helping me through my papers. I better buck up and clean up this mess. Clear out my hypocritical behaviour and profane speech. Its an ugly thing man. I'm worried that I might have already done something terribly wrong.
Question for everyone: should I drop core geography? I really stink at it right now. Give me an opinion!
Have I really become some workaholic that curses in the midst of the flood of work and then finds a time of peace super creepy? Perhaps. How stupid. Haha.
Well I am for one a little scared of the fact that I am almost finishing Sec 3 so quickly, especially when at the start of the year, I felt that this year was going to be very long. So much for long, now here I am out of the war with FYE, bored and tired. But the main reason why I'm scared? Cos of what's going to happen next year. O levels man.
During the last few weeks, I witnessed what the Sec 4's crazy preparations for their Os. It was mock after mock after mock and work after work after work. Study and cram like siao before prelims. Then mass lessons everyday, while going through prelim papers. Then after the Sec 4 farewell assembly (which I had absolutely no idea why we Sec 3's had to attend) they would just be cooped up at home studying, coming back for consultations and MORE mock papers and homework. At least that's how I see it from my perspective. Given how tired I am from studying, and just how annoyed I am for having to study I'm not looking forward to becoming a Sec 4.
And yes the start of 2010 will also mean even less drama for me.
But life must go on, and perhaps sooner or later I will be at the end of my Os and complaining how badly I did. Or something similar to that.
Grah I hope I don't get retained in Sec 3 though. Its far worse that becoming Sec 4.
I am also drifting very very far away from God. So much so that I no longer feel that He is there, even though He does make His presence known by helping me through my papers. I better buck up and clean up this mess. Clear out my hypocritical behaviour and profane speech. Its an ugly thing man. I'm worried that I might have already done something terribly wrong.
Question for everyone: should I drop core geography? I really stink at it right now. Give me an opinion!
Monday, September 21, 2009
A prayer
Dear God,
I have sinned against you one too many times,
yet you still keep me alive
and keep me safe.
Please help me to understand how you love
because I do not understand.
Please forgive my sins Lord,
and help me to run when temptation lurks
Please hold my hand everyday and give me strength
just so I will not stumble.
For I know I have no self-control
and am weak.
Please have mercy on me
and teach me, your face, to seek.
Please help my from my stress,
and help me to feel at peace.
I am very stressed and angry, Lord
my stress is like a beast.
It is eating me up and builds fury
and it brings me close to sin.
so please dear God, free me!
So that I won't die within.
Help me to see and feel that you are there,
that you will always be,
and to know that you will not abandon me
to leave me and not care.
And help me to count the many blessings you give me
so that with each that I count my faith will grow.
And that I will learn to be thankful,
all the way.
Keep me on the right path,
help me not to stray,
for as a human I will err
so please lead the way.
I know that I'm stubborn
and will often forget.
But yet even when I am far away,
You do not forget.
Please help me not to lie
and to mean what i say
So that I will not be a hypocrite
For from this you'll turn away.
Lord, a great battle is coming up
and I have not prepared
Please give me the strength to listen to you
and help me to start preparing.
Amen
I have sinned against you one too many times,
yet you still keep me alive
and keep me safe.
Please help me to understand how you love
because I do not understand.
Please forgive my sins Lord,
and help me to run when temptation lurks
Please hold my hand everyday and give me strength
just so I will not stumble.
For I know I have no self-control
and am weak.
Please have mercy on me
and teach me, your face, to seek.
Please help my from my stress,
and help me to feel at peace.
I am very stressed and angry, Lord
my stress is like a beast.
It is eating me up and builds fury
and it brings me close to sin.
so please dear God, free me!
So that I won't die within.
Help me to see and feel that you are there,
that you will always be,
and to know that you will not abandon me
to leave me and not care.
And help me to count the many blessings you give me
so that with each that I count my faith will grow.
And that I will learn to be thankful,
all the way.
Keep me on the right path,
help me not to stray,
for as a human I will err
so please lead the way.
I know that I'm stubborn
and will often forget.
But yet even when I am far away,
You do not forget.
Please help me not to lie
and to mean what i say
So that I will not be a hypocrite
For from this you'll turn away.
Lord, a great battle is coming up
and I have not prepared
Please give me the strength to listen to you
and help me to start preparing.
Amen
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Of Guinea Pigs and Unfulfilled Wishes
Hush hush breakdown!
Swish swing shazzle bish bang boom.
Not in a particularly good mood for now even though today was rather enjoyable. Im procrastinating. NOOOOO. Im like pushing back all my work and studying even though I SPECIFICALLY told myself not to. Oh well. Self-control is not on my side today, nor will it ever be if I don't try.
Had Amaths lesson in the morning today. Apparently My Choy cut his hair even shorter, saying its more cooling and he can save shampoo and whatnot. Since I was feeling kinda rich, I paid Yap 2 bucks and dared her to say to him "Your hair looks good". (but the terms were only settled after much bargaining through the medium of passing notes in class) And yes she accepted it and went ahead with the task, thanking me for making her 2 bucks richer. hah. And after all the jokes were over, My Choy dumped us with more homework. RAR
Went to AMK Hub after changing my outfit (i wouldnt want to go out in school U.what if a teacher stalks me and catches me doing something st00p1d?). I arrived there like about 30 mins early and had to stone for a looong time with Jasper coz I had to wait for the others to come. We ate a very very quick lunch (we da-baoed macs) and then watched G-Force. (yknow the movie with the talking guinea pigs? Not too bad a movie, quite cute and funny) Unfortunately Jasper had to leave even before the movie started and then Sue Anne left after the movie, leaving me Amanda.C, Irvin and Wilson to wander around some more before I left for home.
Been surfing net ever since i reached home though I had originally planned to do some work. RAWR curse you lack of self control person! (which would be me)
Just
Just looking and waiting for a chance
just so you can notice me.
Just what is it that I am lacking?
That makes me transparent to you?
I tried to change my image.
No effect.
I spoke more.
I became loud mouthed.
I then spoke less (how ironic)
Even worse.
I appeared in front of you more,
but-
ERROR: MS WORD HAS CRASHED FOR THE WORD DOCUMENT Just.docx IS A PURE LOAD OF EMO TRASH. MS WORD WAS UNABLE TO RETRIEVE THE DOCUMENT. GOOD RIDDANCE TO YA. :D
Nuts to be you technology! (bashes computer)
REBOOTING....
I appeared in front of you more,
but I feel so dumb doing so.
Try to help, but get declined
I go to my other friends
but I still end up going near you.
Perhaps my little wish
will never become reality
But then again if I try hard
maybe I can strike a shot
wHOs Up fOr A gaMe of p00l PeEpz! (lol)
Nonetheless, my options I'll weigh
To go or to stay.
When I find the answer from my scales
Hopefully you're not in other vales.
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