Dear God,
I have sinned against you one too many times,
yet you still keep me alive
and keep me safe.
Please help me to understand how you love
because I do not understand.
Please forgive my sins Lord,
and help me to run when temptation lurks
Please hold my hand everyday and give me strength
just so I will not stumble.
For I know I have no self-control
and am weak.
Please have mercy on me
and teach me, your face, to seek.
Please help my from my stress,
and help me to feel at peace.
I am very stressed and angry, Lord
my stress is like a beast.
It is eating me up and builds fury
and it brings me close to sin.
so please dear God, free me!
So that I won't die within.
Help me to see and feel that you are there,
that you will always be,
and to know that you will not abandon me
to leave me and not care.
And help me to count the many blessings you give me
so that with each that I count my faith will grow.
And that I will learn to be thankful,
all the way.
Keep me on the right path,
help me not to stray,
for as a human I will err
so please lead the way.
I know that I'm stubborn
and will often forget.
But yet even when I am far away,
You do not forget.
Please help me not to lie
and to mean what i say
So that I will not be a hypocrite
For from this you'll turn away.
Lord, a great battle is coming up
and I have not prepared
Please give me the strength to listen to you
and help me to start preparing.
Amen
Monday, September 21, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Of Guinea Pigs and Unfulfilled Wishes
Hush hush breakdown!
Swish swing shazzle bish bang boom.
Not in a particularly good mood for now even though today was rather enjoyable. Im procrastinating. NOOOOO. Im like pushing back all my work and studying even though I SPECIFICALLY told myself not to. Oh well. Self-control is not on my side today, nor will it ever be if I don't try.
Had Amaths lesson in the morning today. Apparently My Choy cut his hair even shorter, saying its more cooling and he can save shampoo and whatnot. Since I was feeling kinda rich, I paid Yap 2 bucks and dared her to say to him "Your hair looks good". (but the terms were only settled after much bargaining through the medium of passing notes in class) And yes she accepted it and went ahead with the task, thanking me for making her 2 bucks richer. hah. And after all the jokes were over, My Choy dumped us with more homework. RAR
Went to AMK Hub after changing my outfit (i wouldnt want to go out in school U.what if a teacher stalks me and catches me doing something st00p1d?). I arrived there like about 30 mins early and had to stone for a looong time with Jasper coz I had to wait for the others to come. We ate a very very quick lunch (we da-baoed macs) and then watched G-Force. (yknow the movie with the talking guinea pigs? Not too bad a movie, quite cute and funny) Unfortunately Jasper had to leave even before the movie started and then Sue Anne left after the movie, leaving me Amanda.C, Irvin and Wilson to wander around some more before I left for home.
Been surfing net ever since i reached home though I had originally planned to do some work. RAWR curse you lack of self control person! (which would be me)
Just
Just looking and waiting for a chance
just so you can notice me.
Just what is it that I am lacking?
That makes me transparent to you?
I tried to change my image.
No effect.
I spoke more.
I became loud mouthed.
I then spoke less (how ironic)
Even worse.
I appeared in front of you more,
but-
ERROR: MS WORD HAS CRASHED FOR THE WORD DOCUMENT Just.docx IS A PURE LOAD OF EMO TRASH. MS WORD WAS UNABLE TO RETRIEVE THE DOCUMENT. GOOD RIDDANCE TO YA. :D
Nuts to be you technology! (bashes computer)
REBOOTING....
I appeared in front of you more,
but I feel so dumb doing so.
Try to help, but get declined
I go to my other friends
but I still end up going near you.
Perhaps my little wish
will never become reality
But then again if I try hard
maybe I can strike a shot
wHOs Up fOr A gaMe of p00l PeEpz! (lol)
Nonetheless, my options I'll weigh
To go or to stay.
When I find the answer from my scales
Hopefully you're not in other vales.
Monday, August 17, 2009
I wish
Now everyone has wishes. Some wish for money, others wish for fame. Some wish they knew it all, some wished that they forgot.
Wishing. A kind of request one makes so that their almost untouchable desires can be fulfilled. It is what many refer to as the shortcut to all your dreams. Sadly wishing can only take place as a request and almost all the time, our wishes NEVER come true.
If you had just one single wish for yourself, just one that would definitely come true, what would you wish for?
Some goody two shoes would wish for world peace (like that will ever happen. look at N.Korea, they're still firing dumb missiles and making a tonna noise for whatever reasons. I hear that a war might just happen. Hooray for us, we're all gonna die.)
Perhaps you would wish that there was no such thing as pain and suffering in the world (Feh. Without pain and suffering would you ever appreciate the things around you? Humans would never learn how to treasure things or even learn until they lose it. Just like deforestation and all that other environmental issues, they'll only stop when we die. Just when will man learn)
Maybe you would wish that you have a ton of money (but when recession comes its will become pieces of paper)
Whatever the wish is, its quite hard to achieve it. But hey, who said you can't dream and fantasize?
Hmm I wish... that I can get... (NOT TELLING YOU WHAT I WANT)
Well moving on to current events, common test is finally over. To be superbly and insanely honest, I didn't really prepare for it and yeah i have kinda of a bad feeling about it. But now I have something else (a lot of things actually) to take my mind off CT. ELEARNING. YES ELEARNING. Or Home Based Learning if u want to make it sound nicer. Im stuck at home with work. Id rather go to school really. Theres quite some work, but last year was worse.
Sigh life's is soo boring
Wishing. A kind of request one makes so that their almost untouchable desires can be fulfilled. It is what many refer to as the shortcut to all your dreams. Sadly wishing can only take place as a request and almost all the time, our wishes NEVER come true.
If you had just one single wish for yourself, just one that would definitely come true, what would you wish for?
Some goody two shoes would wish for world peace (like that will ever happen. look at N.Korea, they're still firing dumb missiles and making a tonna noise for whatever reasons. I hear that a war might just happen. Hooray for us, we're all gonna die.)
Perhaps you would wish that there was no such thing as pain and suffering in the world (Feh. Without pain and suffering would you ever appreciate the things around you? Humans would never learn how to treasure things or even learn until they lose it. Just like deforestation and all that other environmental issues, they'll only stop when we die. Just when will man learn)
Maybe you would wish that you have a ton of money (but when recession comes its will become pieces of paper)
Whatever the wish is, its quite hard to achieve it. But hey, who said you can't dream and fantasize?
Hmm I wish... that I can get... (NOT TELLING YOU WHAT I WANT)
Well moving on to current events, common test is finally over. To be superbly and insanely honest, I didn't really prepare for it and yeah i have kinda of a bad feeling about it. But now I have something else (a lot of things actually) to take my mind off CT. ELEARNING. YES ELEARNING. Or Home Based Learning if u want to make it sound nicer. Im stuck at home with work. Id rather go to school really. Theres quite some work, but last year was worse.
Sigh life's is soo boring
Friday, July 24, 2009
A mother's love
Prewetta was covered in sweat as she scurried around the kitchen, checking the fridge and cupboards making sure she had put all the essentials into the box. She glanced up at the clock. 11am. "I better hurry, or else Dan would miss his lunch." Then, after having made sure she had put all his favourites into the lunchbox, she rushes out of the door. Striding across the carpark with the lunch box in hand , she found her motorbike parked at its usual spot. Very quickly, she got on and sped off.
"Where on earth is she?" Dan cursed as his stomach growled again. His mother was late! And all his friends were nearly done eating!
"Hey Dan, you're not having lunch?" One of his classmates piped up. Dan gives her a brief smile before turning back to the gates, face contorted into a scowl. He had been expecting to hear the faint roar of his mother's motorbike for the past 15 minutes, but it never came. He swore loudly as yet another vehicle passed, apparently mistaking it for his mother for the umpteenth time.
Meanwhile, Prewetta was speedily approaching the familiar bend that meant she was not far from her destination. "I hope that Dan isn't too hungry right now." As she sped around the corner, worrying whether her son was getting stomach cramps, she did not see the black BMW that was practically lunging towards her. "Almost ther-" Impact. All she heard next was the screeching of tyres and the shattering of glass as she sailed through the air before landing on her shoulder with an almighty, sickening crunch; the lunchbox cluched tightly in her other arm all the while.
"I'm terribly sorry! I should have seen where I was going. I'm..." Who was talking to her? The shock from the crash had left her mind in a blank. She twitched her uninjured arm and felt a box. Dan's lunch! Just as the driver was about to check and see if she was awake, Prewetta shot up, nearly scaring the driver to death. "I'm fine!" Prewetta said, or at least she hoped she did, as she got up and limped to the school down the road. She heard the driver screaming about getting an ambulance and going to the hospital and that some miracle had just happened or something like that. That can wait, she needed to get to the school!
Dan was practically seething when he saw his mother finally walk through the gates. She gave a weak lopsided smile as she handed him his lunch gently. She expects him to eat after making him wait?! His friends were done long ago! His chest boiling, he slams the box out of his mother's outstretched arm. The lunchbox hit the ground with a deafening clatter, spilling rice, chicken and potatoes all over the tiled floors. "WHERE WERE YOU? NO POINT IN EATING NOW, MY FRIENDS WERE DONE LONG AGO!" With that, he stormed off. He did not notice that his mother's right shoulder was twisted at an odd angle, or that her pants were torn slightly or that her ankle was starting to swell. Nor did he see the hurt look that crossed his mother's eyes when he sent his meal flying. She had ruined his day, now he had to go to class, hungry.
Prewetta felt tears welling up in her eyes. She did not know why she was crying nor why she felt so hurt, it was just a lunchbox! No. She had ruined her son's day, and she had been rejected by him. Silently sobbing, she knelt to clean up the mess, ignoring the searing pain from her shoulder, and the odd constricting sensation she felt in her chest. As she limped painfully home, a small voice at the back of her head worried whether he would be able to endure his lessons on an empty stomach. Colourful spots began to cloud her vision, her chest began to constrict even more and throbbed, her breathing came out in short raspy breaths and a moment later, all went black...
It was only hours later when Dan saw the look of devastation on his father's face as he arrived home, did he realise that something had gone wrong. Terribly wrong.
"I just got a call from the ICU..."
"Where on earth is she?" Dan cursed as his stomach growled again. His mother was late! And all his friends were nearly done eating!
"Hey Dan, you're not having lunch?" One of his classmates piped up. Dan gives her a brief smile before turning back to the gates, face contorted into a scowl. He had been expecting to hear the faint roar of his mother's motorbike for the past 15 minutes, but it never came. He swore loudly as yet another vehicle passed, apparently mistaking it for his mother for the umpteenth time.
Meanwhile, Prewetta was speedily approaching the familiar bend that meant she was not far from her destination. "I hope that Dan isn't too hungry right now." As she sped around the corner, worrying whether her son was getting stomach cramps, she did not see the black BMW that was practically lunging towards her. "Almost ther-" Impact. All she heard next was the screeching of tyres and the shattering of glass as she sailed through the air before landing on her shoulder with an almighty, sickening crunch; the lunchbox cluched tightly in her other arm all the while.
"I'm terribly sorry! I should have seen where I was going. I'm..." Who was talking to her? The shock from the crash had left her mind in a blank. She twitched her uninjured arm and felt a box. Dan's lunch! Just as the driver was about to check and see if she was awake, Prewetta shot up, nearly scaring the driver to death. "I'm fine!" Prewetta said, or at least she hoped she did, as she got up and limped to the school down the road. She heard the driver screaming about getting an ambulance and going to the hospital and that some miracle had just happened or something like that. That can wait, she needed to get to the school!
Dan was practically seething when he saw his mother finally walk through the gates. She gave a weak lopsided smile as she handed him his lunch gently. She expects him to eat after making him wait?! His friends were done long ago! His chest boiling, he slams the box out of his mother's outstretched arm. The lunchbox hit the ground with a deafening clatter, spilling rice, chicken and potatoes all over the tiled floors. "WHERE WERE YOU? NO POINT IN EATING NOW, MY FRIENDS WERE DONE LONG AGO!" With that, he stormed off. He did not notice that his mother's right shoulder was twisted at an odd angle, or that her pants were torn slightly or that her ankle was starting to swell. Nor did he see the hurt look that crossed his mother's eyes when he sent his meal flying. She had ruined his day, now he had to go to class, hungry.
Prewetta felt tears welling up in her eyes. She did not know why she was crying nor why she felt so hurt, it was just a lunchbox! No. She had ruined her son's day, and she had been rejected by him. Silently sobbing, she knelt to clean up the mess, ignoring the searing pain from her shoulder, and the odd constricting sensation she felt in her chest. As she limped painfully home, a small voice at the back of her head worried whether he would be able to endure his lessons on an empty stomach. Colourful spots began to cloud her vision, her chest began to constrict even more and throbbed, her breathing came out in short raspy breaths and a moment later, all went black...
It was only hours later when Dan saw the look of devastation on his father's face as he arrived home, did he realise that something had gone wrong. Terribly wrong.
"I just got a call from the ICU..."
Thursday, July 9, 2009
My story 2
Nothing's changed.
I'm still in a world of chaos and puzzles.
Solved? You wish.
I look up at the sky and wonder,
how long have I been on this wild goose chase?
just when, oh when will I learn to let it go?
There are so many other things to look at, to think about, to care.
So why am I still stuck on you?
I know well that when year-end comes, it will all be over.
No more chances, no more tries, no more glances
no more laughs, no more banters.
Should I try to take every remaining chance I have?
But is it worth it, to waste my time.
Fine, I'll try.
But now this is what I see :
Sure we talk, but what good is there anymore?
We speak of nothing but business.
I've lost the essence of it all.
You as well.
I've done enough, I'm through, or so I think
My determination lunges forth at the first chance, ready to strike.
But deep down I know, its not worth it, I shouldn't care.
These times, they'll fly away sooner or later. They won't last.
I still see you in the crowd, as always
I'm still standing afar, watching, waiting,
and silently cursing my stupidity.
Yet shamelessly clinging to a foolish hope, that perhaps, just perhaps
we can experience old times again.
Am I just trying too hard?
Maybe.
Grow up! Let go!
I beg myself please,
Or I'll never have my mind at ease.
Have I crossed the line? Just to impress?
Definitely. So now what?
I don't know. But I will retrace my steps,
repent and start over, if I can...
Now I'm at home and I wonder again,
my own kind is in danger.
No time to worry for this
So I'll put this down and see to the rest.
And whether I come back the same or not,
Well,
We'll see.
I'm still in a world of chaos and puzzles.
Solved? You wish.
I look up at the sky and wonder,
how long have I been on this wild goose chase?
just when, oh when will I learn to let it go?
There are so many other things to look at, to think about, to care.
So why am I still stuck on you?
I know well that when year-end comes, it will all be over.
No more chances, no more tries, no more glances
no more laughs, no more banters.
Should I try to take every remaining chance I have?
But is it worth it, to waste my time.
Fine, I'll try.
But now this is what I see :
Sure we talk, but what good is there anymore?
We speak of nothing but business.
I've lost the essence of it all.
You as well.
I've done enough, I'm through, or so I think
My determination lunges forth at the first chance, ready to strike.
But deep down I know, its not worth it, I shouldn't care.
These times, they'll fly away sooner or later. They won't last.
I still see you in the crowd, as always
I'm still standing afar, watching, waiting,
and silently cursing my stupidity.
Yet shamelessly clinging to a foolish hope, that perhaps, just perhaps
we can experience old times again.
Am I just trying too hard?
Maybe.
Grow up! Let go!
I beg myself please,
Or I'll never have my mind at ease.
Have I crossed the line? Just to impress?
Definitely. So now what?
I don't know. But I will retrace my steps,
repent and start over, if I can...
Now I'm at home and I wonder again,
my own kind is in danger.
No time to worry for this
So I'll put this down and see to the rest.
And whether I come back the same or not,
Well,
We'll see.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A wreckage of a reality check
Just came back from the Choir trip to Sabah and im already missing it like crazy. We had too much fun there (even though we mostly just ate and slept).
But then again, as I was thinking about the the trip's events and the aftermath, I came to realise something:
I'm not as old as I think.
I've completely forgotten just how young I really am. There are many things that I want to do but I just can't because of my age and many other factors related to my age. Psh, 15 aint a big number, it still starts with a number 1. I'm barely at the start of my life, and I'm already becoming a wreck.
And then another realisation (the one I personally HATE the most) hits me as I think about what happened during the trip:
I'm just a little kid trying to break a glass wall that cannot be broken.
All this time I've just been existing, just here in this blasted earth with absolutely no significance whatsoever. I'm just a kid who is trying so hard to grow up, to be different amongst a sea of people who outbest at everything possible. Looking at everyone, I finally see how distant I am from them.
Sure I have my own social circle, but there are times when I can't talk to them, coz I dunno what to say to them. I'm not one to walk up to you and say "Hey, nice weather eh?" Being caught between being a young teen and a young adult stinks. My social life is a wreck, my emotions are a wreck, my faith itself is also in danger. I'm doomed for sure.
The conclusion I draw? Life is meaningless, and the best you can do is to go out with a bang.
Yet there are people dumb enough to think that life is great. (not quoting Great Eastern here) To me, there's nothing to look forward to in life. Only the LORD can save me now. Don't ever tell me to live life to the fullest because there is nothing to live for. Seriously.
And I am also rather annoyed because of the one who constantly hounds around me, trying to break through even though I'm clearly uninterested.
Someone, free me from my torment.
Everyday they pass me by,
I can see it in their eyes.
Empty people filled with care,
Headed who knows where?
On they go through private pain,
Living fear to fear.
Laughter hides their silent cries,
Only Jesus hears.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
At the end of broken dreams, He's the open door.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
When will we realize, people need the Lord?
We are called to take His light
To a world where wrong seems right.
What could be too great a cost
For sharing Life with one who's lost?
Through His love our hearts can feel
All the grief they bear.
They must hear the Words of Life
Only we can share.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord
At the end of broken dreams, He's the open door.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
When will we realize that we must give our lives,
For peo-ple need the Lord.
People need the Lord.
But then again, as I was thinking about the the trip's events and the aftermath, I came to realise something:
I'm not as old as I think.
I've completely forgotten just how young I really am. There are many things that I want to do but I just can't because of my age and many other factors related to my age. Psh, 15 aint a big number, it still starts with a number 1. I'm barely at the start of my life, and I'm already becoming a wreck.
And then another realisation (the one I personally HATE the most) hits me as I think about what happened during the trip:
I'm just a little kid trying to break a glass wall that cannot be broken.
All this time I've just been existing, just here in this blasted earth with absolutely no significance whatsoever. I'm just a kid who is trying so hard to grow up, to be different amongst a sea of people who outbest at everything possible. Looking at everyone, I finally see how distant I am from them.
Sure I have my own social circle, but there are times when I can't talk to them, coz I dunno what to say to them. I'm not one to walk up to you and say "Hey, nice weather eh?" Being caught between being a young teen and a young adult stinks. My social life is a wreck, my emotions are a wreck, my faith itself is also in danger. I'm doomed for sure.
The conclusion I draw? Life is meaningless, and the best you can do is to go out with a bang.
Yet there are people dumb enough to think that life is great. (not quoting Great Eastern here) To me, there's nothing to look forward to in life. Only the LORD can save me now. Don't ever tell me to live life to the fullest because there is nothing to live for. Seriously.
And I am also rather annoyed because of the one who constantly hounds around me, trying to break through even though I'm clearly uninterested.
Someone, free me from my torment.
Everyday they pass me by,
I can see it in their eyes.
Empty people filled with care,
Headed who knows where?
On they go through private pain,
Living fear to fear.
Laughter hides their silent cries,
Only Jesus hears.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
At the end of broken dreams, He's the open door.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
When will we realize, people need the Lord?
We are called to take His light
To a world where wrong seems right.
What could be too great a cost
For sharing Life with one who's lost?
Through His love our hearts can feel
All the grief they bear.
They must hear the Words of Life
Only we can share.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord
At the end of broken dreams, He's the open door.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
When will we realize that we must give our lives,
For peo-ple need the Lord.
People need the Lord.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
My story
The bell rings. The class begins to end.
I check the time. 10am. I move off first.
Though my stomach growls, I know I move for a different reason.
The scene is crowded. People talk, shriek, laugh.
Its a sea of humans I don't know.
Last time, it ended in a good tone
The one before was average
I will make it different today.
I join the line and look around, no sign
my heart falls a bit, i sigh
a classmate shakes me awake, i respond. I look again. Still no.
then i see. A familiar figure. One that i can see even amongst this sea
My heart revives, i twist a smile
Im looked upon, and i turn, sure that my presence is noted
Then, a forceful slap to the shoulder. Jump Start!
Options display themselves, which to start with?
Remember, no boring today, a difference!
Those eyes gleam with excitement, and a hint of light insult
Well, two can play at that game!
I retort, it's received, a difference achieved.
News is relayed, I listen to the voice
A light tone to my ears, one that has left me in good moods for many a day
The fact that i am noticed, it makes me elated
At least I am not alone
Looking back, it all started with a simple self-introduction
Under a situation where both were under the same rules
the same game, and though they won the physical one
I took the first step of victory into the emotional one
but the bell rings again, i slip a mask on
a mask that betrays my feelings
for my heart sinks as goodbyes are exchanged.
But as i make my way back to class I give myself a little boost
I made today different
I will try again tomorrow
I check the time. 10am. I move off first.
Though my stomach growls, I know I move for a different reason.
The scene is crowded. People talk, shriek, laugh.
Its a sea of humans I don't know.
Last time, it ended in a good tone
The one before was average
I will make it different today.
I join the line and look around, no sign
my heart falls a bit, i sigh
a classmate shakes me awake, i respond. I look again. Still no.
then i see. A familiar figure. One that i can see even amongst this sea
My heart revives, i twist a smile
Im looked upon, and i turn, sure that my presence is noted
Then, a forceful slap to the shoulder. Jump Start!
Options display themselves, which to start with?
Remember, no boring today, a difference!
Those eyes gleam with excitement, and a hint of light insult
Well, two can play at that game!
I retort, it's received, a difference achieved.
News is relayed, I listen to the voice
A light tone to my ears, one that has left me in good moods for many a day
The fact that i am noticed, it makes me elated
At least I am not alone
Looking back, it all started with a simple self-introduction
Under a situation where both were under the same rules
the same game, and though they won the physical one
I took the first step of victory into the emotional one
but the bell rings again, i slip a mask on
a mask that betrays my feelings
for my heart sinks as goodbyes are exchanged.
But as i make my way back to class I give myself a little boost
I made today different
I will try again tomorrow
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